If there is any area that I would like to spend a lifetime to grow, it’s motherhood. As we’re celebrating Mother’s Day in just a few days, I thought it would be a good timing to share with you my journey of motherhood.
I grew up being really close to my dad. He was the one preparing breakfast and waiting for the school bus with me every morning. He was the one who instructed, guided, and loved me lavishly. He was the one who wanted to hear what I think. On the other hand, during my childhood, all I remembered about my mom was that she was always busy cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping. For years, I longed to develop a closer relationship with my mom, but it didn’t happen until after my dad went with the Lord in 2008 and she moved in with me in 2009. It took us almost a decade to reconcile and deepen our relationship. Therefore, since I became a mother myself, my priority has been to cultivate a lifelong relationship with my own children, right from the beginning.
At first, I thought as long as I worked hard enough, career and family could co-exist. When I was pregnant with Em, I was still in graduate school. I only took five weeks of maternity leave but I spent most of the time writing up my candidacy exam. I failed the exam and had to retake it. I finally passed and graduated in 2012 and went on to become a postdoctoral fellow… I spent three decades in education and training, only to know that home is where my heart longs to be.
It took me one miscarriage, the birth of Noe, and Em’s anxiety to finally decide to stay home in 2017. We had no idea how to live on one stable income, but we trusted that God would provide and He did, in many miraculous ways. When I had all the time to be with my kids, I felt so inadequate and didn’t know where to start, so I read as much as I could. Over the years, I have been tremendously blessed and influenced by the works of Sally Clarkson. I now look at motherhood at a whole new way:
- Treasuring every moment I have with my children
- Being wholeheartedly willing to be used by God, and
- Trusting that He will fill in the gaps of my inadequacy.
- Be content with my assigned portion as a stay-home mom
- Stop looking back at my past and what I have missed, and
- Trust God with the what-if, if-only, and why.
Dear friends, I’m still imperfect in many ways, and I find it so hard to keep my insanity especially when the introverted me is constantly disrupted by my little ones (even as I’m writing up this post, Noe has been talking to me non-stop). However, I’m so thankful that God puts the desire in my heart to be a mother, to nurture, and to pour myself into my children’s life. My prayer is that all mothers would have the desire to grow in this journey called motherhood. May the Lord bless the works of your hands. Happy Mother’s Day!